It may be Christmas... but it won't be the same.

I have so many mixed emotions about this time of year. Now that I have Hayleigh, and everything is so new and exciting for her, my attention to making the holidays enjoyable for her is rather occupied. But in the back of my head, and fore front of my heart, is the aching feeling that I am going into another Christmas without my sweet brother. The eternal believer. These holidays make me miss him more than ever. I have the BEST holiday memories with him. We would have sleepovers together, my brothers and I, on Christmas eve. Mainly to keep Ryan from getting up at 2am to try and open presents but still fun none the less. The excitement and joy on his face when he saw all the presents (at 5am because we couldn't hold him off any longer) and the sheer force he used to tear into those gifts... even ones that were not labeled "Ryan". Anything wrapped in his vacinity was fair game. When I think of all the fun I would have had watching he and Hayleigh unwrap together, that is where the sadness really overwhelms me. Ryan knew how to love and he would have loved her with EVERYTHING he is. I know he loves her from afar but it would have been fun to see them interact. I guess only in her dreams. And while my parents put on a brave smile, I know they are aching inside for their oldest baby. I remember the first year was the worst. I am so thankful for Hayleigh and what she has brought to our lives. She could never replace Ryan but her joy and excitement sure helps us focus on the good things we have on our lives, and not so much on the loss are family still feels everyday.

My favorite Christmas pictures of my brother's and I. I think this was 2004.


Hoping for only blessings and good things in 2010!

Chances

I LOVE music that does something to your insides. When it evokes a deep emotion. The SECOND I heard this song, my brain just devoured the lyrics. And I feel like it was written for me. I know, weird and yes I know it was not written for me but for a person LIKE ME. Someone who has such realistic expectations and perspective about life, that I sometimes miss the magic in a possibility.

When a chance may not likely give you the outcome you want but it could POSSIBLY be the best chance you ever took. My interpretation of the lyrics at least.

My favorite lyrics of the song:

Chances are the fascination

Chances won't escape from me

Chances are only what we make them

And all I need..........

it reminds me that all you need is a chance. An opportunity. It could be nothing or it could be great. And if it turns out to be great......... then the chance was well worth it.

A realistic song with an optimistic outlook. Hope for chances and take them when you get them.

Here is the music Video "Chances" By Five For Fighting


Chances
By Five for Fighting

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

Everyone needs one of these pictures

So I braved it and decided to try a Santa photo. She was chattin' him up and even gave Santa her best "ho, ho ho" and a high five but as soon as I put her in his lap, the water works began. I said regardless of tears or smiles, I was going to get this picture for her every year! Last year she was only 8 months so she was just in awe of Santa. This year, she did not want some hairy guy dressed in red velvet touching her... I mean, not many of us would under normal circumstances!

It still gave me a good laugh.

I Have Been A Busy Elf!

Whew! I feel like I am finally on top of my shopping this year. Wrapping.... that is another topic. I PLAN to wrap this weekend but we shall see. Anyways, I don't know about you but I actually really got into Christmas shopping this year. I REALLY enjoyed shopping for Hayleigh, this is a really fun age for Christmas!

So I wanted to share my list of gifts I plan on GIVING this year.

For Hayleigh:
Her FIRST powered riding toy. This is by far my favorite purchase and I can't wait to see her on it!
A pedal bike. She is loving riding her "ice cream truck" so I thought we would give pedals a try.
She is so funny when I clean. She is obsessed with chasing me around when I sweep or vacuum and points out little crumbs or dirt on the floor. So I thought she might enjoy her own cleaning set! Gotta get em' while they are young!!
I thought this would be a fun option to pull her around in as oppose to the stroller. Our walks to the park will be a lot more fun!
She really gets in to Mr. Potato Head at my Mother-in-laws house so I thought she needed one of her own.
This was a last minute buy thanks to an internet recommendation! It is originally $140 but was on SUPER SALE for $39.99. I may save this for her birthday in April but I couldn't pass up the deal!
I just LOVE this. Her little chub chubs (her chunky little feet) will look so stinkin cute in these and she just adores Elmo.
I also got her some stocking stuffer DVD's of the Wiggles. She is OBSESSED! She calls them the "Biggles"... It makes me laugh thinking about it.

Moving on.....

I thoroughly enjoy buying clothes for my husband. So here are a few of the clothing items I purchased. Their is more but nothing I can find on the internet.

For Hubs:




This is one of my favorite gifts that I know he will get a good laugh out of. A University of Colorado Snuggie! He recently got me a snuggie and laughs when I wear it so I thought he needed one of his own. To make it funnier, I got my Uncle one for the University of Nebraska and I am going to have them open it together so they can sit in their rival snuggies together. Be prepared for a photo op!!
I also got him an ESPN trivia calendar. Such a sports freak he is.


And the biggest gift: AN IPHONE!!! Welcome to 2010 baby! Time to leave your 2002 crackberry and join me at AT&T. He will be excited about it... he just doesn't know yet! LOL
For my brother:

I helped him adopt this sweet boy: Doug! He is the newest member of the family and already very much loved.



For his girlfriend:

We all did a spa theme as a family so this was my contribution:

For my babysitter:

She is like my little sister and Hayleigh just loves her. So we spoiled her a bit. Not everything is online but we loaded her up on beauty products and these sweet gifts:



For my dad:

He swears by the copper magnetic bracelets so I got him a new one which I am having engraved with my brother's name who passed away 2 years ago.
blur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_L3yMcFLsCXQ/SyK7Nr9f9GI/AAAAAAAAAxU/7TzkhQTlZM0/s1600-h/yhst-95566119198410_2082_48753095.jpeg">
For my mom:
I actually did her a BIG favor. I CLEANED HER CLOSET. That is what she wanted for Christmas. I also have some family portraits framed which we plan to surprise her with.

My aunt and niece, I am knitting them scarves and my father-in-law was the name I was drawn for our gift exchange so I still need to do some shopping for him.

Other than that, I am just wrapping things up! I am hopeful I can get everything complete by the end of next week so I can enjoy the week leading up to Christmas.

I hope you are enjoying your holiday season with your loved ones!

Recipe: Fat Red Velvet Cookies w/ Cream Cheese Frosting

These cookies are PURE HEAVEN! I just had to share. I have a love affair with red velvet so when I saw these in my Southern Living cookbook, I just had to whip these up. They are amazing! It is like a moist mini cake! These cookies are perfect for the holidays, in all its red glory.

Cookies

Ingredients:
2 3/4 cups of all purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 large eggs
2 tbsp red liquid food coloring
1 tbsp vanilla extract
3/4 cups buttermilk

Directions:
Preheat Oven to 350.
Beat butter until creamy.
Add sugar and beat in eggs.
Beat in food coloring and vanilla.
Add flour mixture (all dry ingredients) alternating with buttermilk and beat at low speed after each addition.
Drop dough in 1/4 cupfuls 3'' apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Their is enough butter in the cookies that you don't need to grease the sheet.
Bake @ 350 for 10-15 minutes.
Let cool.

Cream Cheese Frosting

Ingredients:
1 8oz. package of cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened (1 stick)
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
Dash of salt
1 (16 oz. box) powdered sugar

Directions:
Beat cream cheese, butter, vanilla and salt at medium speed until creamy.
gradually add powdered sugar, beating at low speed until smooth.

Spread on cookies

** As a garnish, crumble one unfrosted cookie and sprinkle crumbs on top.

Thursday Thought

"Focus on what you are gaining, not what you are losing"

This is such a good lesson that can apply to many facets of our life. Speaking for myself, I sometimes get caught up in my losses, rather than my gains. I am starting to realize their is always a gain to a situation, you just have to look a little harder or alter the picture a bit. I thought I would share my examples of things I tend to slant and now ways I am turning my views on them.

Viewed "losses"

1. My youth. Since becoming a mom, sometimes I feel old. A lot of my friends are still single or they do not have children yet so they get to go out and have fun and do "youthful" things. Sometimes I really miss that "drop everything and go" lifestyle.

2. Dieting. I feel like I am on a terminal life diet. Losing baby weight has been SERIOUSLY hard for me and sometimes I feel very alone. All the people I know lost all their baby weight and then some or gained practically nothing. It is a very shameful feeling. I lose some. I stop..... and stop.... and start......and stop. And then I beat myself up about it. I feel like I am not ME anymore until I get back to my old self. The one who looked good and fit into the jeans hanging in my closet. So when on these terminal diets, I think about all the thing's I CAN'T eat. All the things I lose by having to lose weight. All the exercise and time away from my daughter. There was once a time when I liked to exercise, when the time I had was for myself and only myself. Now that time has passed and exercise is a dreaded chore.

3. Time with my daughter. When the economy was hit by the recession, I had to go back to working in my office full time. We had to let a lot of our office go which meant I needed to come back and take over certain things due to a shortage of staff. It is a guilt I live with EVERY DAY that I am not home with her more.

So now I am going to turn it around and see the gain in all 3 scenarios.

1. I gained a beautiful daughter who keeps me youthful. She keeps me active and I need to remember that youth is a mindset. You are as youthful as you feel. I wouldn't trade my time with her for a night out on the town. I just need to remember to take some time to myself and do things for me once in awhile so that I can feel good.

2. #2 will always and has always been my biggest obstacle but I need to remind myself that I have A LOT more to gain than lose here. Health for one and overall wellness. Feeling physically good on the outside helps you feel good mentally. Eating right doesn't have to be torture, I need to remember this. I am not a horrible eater by any means but I get really snacky at night and that is my pit fall. Bad snack choices. So I need to remember everything in moderation. I don't have to stay on a strict chicken & veggie diet to lose weight. I need to stop punishing myself for slip ups and that the whole day is not a total loss. I also need to find ways to make exercise enjoyable. I hate going to the gym. I used to love it but now I dread it. I recently obtained a workout DVD (which I want to share in another post) and I am really enjoying it. I also was gifted a trainer to work with for a few months so I am really taking advantage of that. I have finally set myself slow and steady goals that I am working towards. So I need to remember I stand to gain a lot by staying positive and going forward.

3. While I may always view this as a loss in some respect, I gain some things from working full time. My daughter is financially supported and I can keep her happy, fed, dressed, and do fun things with her that I might not be able to do without my job. I am thankful to have a job in this economy. I can also save for her future, which is very important to me. Another big thing is that I don't take for granted the time I do have and spend with her. I make the most of it and we do fun things and we enjoy the time together. She is also very well adjusted. She gets to spend time with my mom, her Grammy, whom she loves and they do lots of fun things together. She also gets to spend time with her babysitter 2 days a week, who comes to our house. Our "DD" we call her and she is like my sister. She takes very good care of my daughter and Hayleigh loves her. So I am thankful that she is good around people and is very easing going and adjusts well.

Wow, it feels good to type these things out and see them in print, even if I am talking to myself.
This is definitely a mindset change, trying to see the gains and not the losses. This will be a work in progress for me and one I am willing and wanting to work on.

Thursday Thoughts

So this is a new weekly post I am going to start doing. I thought it would be theraputic for myself and maybe beneficial to any readers. I post a lot of "Do It Yourself" ideas on my blog so this weekly post is what I refer to as "do it yourself therapy" HAHAHA. Lately I have begun reading Self Improvement books. I figure it is cheaper than therapy. :) Anyways, I just feel like their are things about myself that I would either A.) Like to work on AND B.) Like to improve or change. So a self improvement book seemed like the right path to take! My belief is that we have a long life and as humans we are ever evolving so I want to start working on myself more so that I am the best version of the person I know I can be.

I am currently reading a book called: Get Out of Your Own Way by Mark Goulston, M.D. and Philip Goldberg. I think this is the PERFECT book for me. I did a lot of research about what I felt my issues were before I selected a book that I thought would be helpful. This book is all about self-defeating behavior and lessons in conquering them. I feel like I am guilty on may occasions and in many ways of self-defeating behavior. For reference, self-defeating behavior is an action that causes oneself to fail. The saying "cutting off your nose to spite your face" is an example of self-defeating behavior.

This book has 40 chapters, each chapter with a different self-defeating behavior. While I wouldn't classify myself in ALLLL 40 chapters (HAHA), I would say that a fair amount discuss issues that I would like to work on in my own self. Through reading this book, I have discovered just how much our life is effected by our thoughts and how much our thoughts can effect others. By changing my thought pattern, I am already noticing an IMMEDIATE difference in my life and my relationships. So my goal is to discuss different topics I am reading about in this book and other books and hopefully it will help give me and whomever else is interested, some much needed perspective.

Being that this is my first "Thursday Thought" I am going to take a quote that was the very first point made in the preface. "One of the greatest tragedies you can experience is to come to the end of your life and realize that it has not been everything you hoped it would be. Even more tragic is to realize that your failure to fulfill your hopes and dreams was due in large part to your inability to get out of your own way."

Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you with that statement. That is what it did for me. I felt like someone held up a mirror in front of my outward pointed finger and pointed that finger right back at me. It was a wake up call. I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my happiness. I cannot control the actions or the environment around me but I can control the choices I make. I can change myself and how I respond to any given situation. I sometimes carry the idea around that if the situation was different or if the person effecting me was different, I would be happy. But if that situation won't change itself, does that mean I won't ever be happy? Not with that attitude, I won't. Always waiting for the circumstance to change could leave me waiting a looooooooong time. So this is my first step on my path to personal betterment. Taking charge of my personal happiness and freeing myself of self-defeating behaviors.

For anyone interested, I highly recommend this book. It is easy to read, sensitive to guiding you through your issues and extremely helpful in offering solutions. I have a feeling this book is going to become a permanent fixture in my purse when a helpful reminder is necessary.

(I feel like I should take my sweater off now and hang it in the closet as I head out the door! hahahahaha)

Anyways, glad I got to share and hopefully my self discoveries can benefit someone else too.